I consider myself so fortunate and I’m so grateful to have such a wonderful person in my life to love me, raise me, provide for me, shelter me, nurture me, protect me, enrich me, guide me and to set me free to be the man I am today.

Thank you Mum – I love you with all my heart!

No matter what your relationship is with your own mother today, whether she’s ever present or long since gone, take a moment today to reflect and thank your mother for bringing you into this world.

Happy Mother’s Day!

An Eckart Tolle Video on Life Purpose

If you’ve never heard of Eckhart Tolle, I am thrilled to introduce you to him through this incredible video.  This is an entire seminar where he teaches about present-moment awareness, the way to be truly alive. Eckhart has so much wisdom to share and it was one of his books, The Power of Now, that helped free me and save me from my own mind.

You will learn who you truly are beneath the story and stories of the mind and ultimately what your life purpose is all about. The reason why I share it here is because I see coaching as a shared journey, a deep and meaningful relationship that facilitates such awareness and being-ness in another person over time. I hope this will help those interested in experiencing less fear, stress, anxiety, pressure and suffering in their lives while increasing their levels of inner peace, contentment, connection with self and others, and more joy in life.

It’s about an hour and a half and if you don’t have time right now (you might find that line funny when you watch it), please bookmark this page and come back to it when you can.

This is the new model of success: one built on happiness, flow, gratitude and to adopt his firm’s foundational mantra “Awesomeness”!

You may never have heard of him but he was invited to speak among luminaries and business moguls such as Sir Richard Branson, His Holiness the Dalai Lama, Stephen Covey, Tony Hsieh and several others. His speech was voted as the best of the entire event. He speaks about why “Happiness is the New Productivity”.

I share this with you to inspire you and encourage you to believe you could do the same with your company!

Here are his 10 Tips (and I’m paraphrasing) for how to master the state of flow and bring it to your company, your teams, your families, and the groups you lead.

1.  Express Daily Gratitude and share it widely
2.  Acknowledge the Positive & Celebrate – Create an Awesomeness Report
3.  Profit Sharing with Employees
4.  Spread Praise (Sweet Sugar Love Machine)
5.  45/5 Rule – Work a 45-hour week and spend 5 hours of it learning something new
6.  Weekly Sharing & Training
7.  Group Meditation
8.  Company Sponsored Fun
9.  Positive Stamina
10. Experiences & Connections

It’s been months since I’ve posted an article – not that I haven’t had ideas, made notes or even completed a few handwritten rough drafts, I have. I just haven’t devoted the time to completing them and posting them. Other priorities have been at the forefront, like coaching clients and studying, like providing consulting services, like living and socializing, like resting or playing or even procrastinating when I felt like it.

Here we are, December 31^st, 2011, it’s 8:48am – down to the wire – I want to get this article online today. I want to end this year on a happy note. I’ve already had a great start to this end-of-the-year day finding myself referenced in an article on New Year’s Resolutions in The Toronto Star: http://www.thestar.com/living/article/1106537–video-why-do-we-make-new-year-s-resolutions, which is a brand new experience for me and quite exciting!

As this day approaches, most people tend to focus only on the New Year ahead – fresh starts, new beginnings. Today, in light of New Year’s Eve, I’d like to shift your attention for a few moments to the endings of things – not just the end of the year but the end of every day and every experience. It’s important.

In Authentic Happiness, Martin Seligman references a study by Daniel Kahneman that points to the importance of our memories about how things end. What we take away from an experience will be heavily colored by how it ends because that is what we’ll remember most. Kahneman also talks about the vast difference between “how we feel in our life vs. how we feel about our life”, in other words, the difference between the experiencing self and the remembering self.

Perhaps you had an average year – some wins, some losses, some ups, some downs. You’ve experienced a full year and a wide range of emotions both positive and negative. How you evaluate 2011 a few months from now will be heavily influenced by how the year ended for you and how you unconsciously chose to remember it.

It could be that you had a lot of wins early on, feelings of accomplishment, success, love, happiness, followed by a few losses or disappointments whether financial, personal, and/or intimate. Still, an average year, if we look at the sum of all things – but what you might take away from the whole experience of one year could be heavily tainted by the losses in the latter portion. Lucky are those who have a win close to the end of the year, for they will remember it more positively.

If that’s the case – that our sense of happiness moving forward is tainted by our memories and evaluations of those memories, then it’s in our best interest to end things on a good note, in every area of life, each year, each day, each moment. If that’s the one thing you remember from this article, I’m glad – how you end things is important for your future happpiness.

How do you want to remember 2011 and begin 2012?

You have some control over the matter by choosing what you focus on. If you practice reflection and you acknowledge what you’re grateful for on a regular basis, this will be easy for you, for each day can be remembered in a positive light. If not, then now is the time to make a list about all the good things you remember about 2011 – the things you want to remember moving forward. In other words, you get to create your own happy ending!

Need some help? Think about these questions:

• What are you grateful for?
• How did you contribute to someone’s life?
• How did someone contribute to your life?
• Who was important in your life this year?
• What lessons are you taking away?
• What wins or breakthroughs did you accomplish?
• How do you want to remember 2011?

If you come away with 3 or 4 things that make you feel good (or even just one thing), that is worth remembering. Focus on those things, or that one meaningful thing, that encapsulates what 2011 meant for you and it will bring in 2012 in a more positive light.

Now – if you’re interested in resolutions or setting some intentions for the new year, please read my article from last year on HEART SMART Goals and Resolutions.

My best wishes to you – may 2012 be a year full of love, health, joy, peace, success and limitless possibilities!

Ok, I’m not done yet So far on this site, I’ve held back from sharing my own reflections, so as not to taint any reader’s personal experience with the exercises given. I’m thinking of changing that, starting now.

Here’s my reflection about 2011:

What are you grateful for?

My wife, family, friends, clients, neighbors, love, opportunities, learning, travel, home, books, courage, growth, internet, music, spring and summer, … the list does go on but I’ll stop here.

How did you contribute to someone’s life?

As much as I feel I’ve contributed to someone’s life, they contributed to mine. I feel I gave love, hope, inspiration, tools, support, new ways of seeing, thinking and being, to more people than I ever have before.

How did someone contribute to your life?

Many people contributed to my life – family, friends, clients, neighbors, teachers, even strangers  - each in their own way gave me an opportunity to be more of myself, to grow, to feel important.

Who was important in your life this year?

Everyone who contributed to my life and allowed me to contribute to theirs – interesting how this is working out and the trend I’m noticing, which brings me to the next point:

What lessons are you taking away?

People are the most important part of my life – connecting on a deep, real and soulful level with as many people as possible and making a meaningful difference in their lives brings me so much happiness and gratitude and makes me feel like my life is worth living. I’ve learned other lessons but at this moment, this seems to be the most important one for me.

What wins or breakthroughs did you accomplish?

• I grew my coaching business and got to work with a lot of wonderful people and make a difference in their lives.
• I worked hard to get certified as a professional coach.
• I was more authentic and real with more people in more situations.
• I came back from a few dips, more positive and lighter than before.
• I took time off from work, several times this year and that is an accomplishment for me as an entrepreneur.
• I let go of a few things that weren’t serving me (both material and intangible).
• I nurtured my most important relationships.

How do I want to remember 2011?

It was a year of growth, change, persistence, dedication, commitment, authenticity, connection, love, challenge, hope, discovery, new paths and possibilities, it was a year of living authentically and on purpose.

To whoever’s reading this, whenever you’re reading it, thank you for being a part of my life. I’m so very grateful.

I wish you all the best that life has to offer, the courage to dream, be yourself, and ultimately create the life you really want for yourself this year.

Happy New Year!

Guy

You’re on a path of your own choosing and you’re working towards your goals. You set out on this journey with the intention of improving your life, becoming more of who you really are and finding more meaning and fulfillment in life. As you continue on this journey and your vision starts to take shape and more opportunities come your way, things can get very busy for you. You can get so busy that you’re head spins and you feel like you’re caught in an undertow and any second you’ll be you dragged under-water. You believe you can’t handle one more thing but yet, you take on another commitment because you don’t want to lose momentum but you feel like you’re sinking.

Of course you can consider ways to become more efficient and productive and though you’d be able to get more done in less time, you’ll probably just end up filling up the balance of your time with more things to do. Do an honest gut-check and it tells you that you’re doing everything you can possibly do with the time you have. It’s not about doing more.

You may not be able to change the circumstances in your life right now but you can always change yourself by shifting your state of mind and being. That is, you can change how you cope with all the busy-ness. Sometimes all you need is a little perspective and a great place to go for that is within. Find your center and you will find your strength.

Finding Center means reconnecting with your true, inner-self, the place within you that is calm, strong and unfaltering. Just a moment or two in this place is enough to regain the perspective you need to remember that everything is perfect, that you will handle all that needs to be handled, that you are doing your best, and that, is all you can ever do.

The more time you spend away from center, the more difficult things seem to get and the more you feel like you’re swimming against the current, trying to make it upstream on a river that’s dark, scary and has no end in sight. The more you do this, the more of yourself you lose along the way, till ultimately you feel lost, tired and full of doubt.

You tapped into your true self before to help you begin this journey and it felt so right at the time but now, the more you swim against the current, the more energy you needlessly waste. “How will it all get done if I don’t keep swimming? If I stop, I fail, things will fall apart, they will unravel and all would have been for naught.” This is what your mind is telling you.

STOP!!!

Just Let Go and let the current take you where it will. Just float and rest for a while. It will take you where you need to go.

How Do You Stop?

Find your center through meditation. Meditation is a practice that helps you let go and empty your mind for a moment so you can relax and decompress. It has numerous benefits on our physical, mental and emotional health and it isn’t just for gurus and swamis – it’s for everybody and it’s something very misconstrued. 

Meditation isn’t about the ohms and ahhs, it’s about you, who you really are at your core – your spirit. This is the part of you that you connected with to begin this intentional journey you’re on now. That intention and the work you’ve done, all the steps you’ve taken through your commitment have brought you here but you forgot your spirit along the way and got caught up so much more in the doing than the being. In the doing, you brought up old patterns, mindsets and beliefs that lead to worry and anxiety because they aren’t in alignment with your true self.

Your true self is the current you have been trying to swim against.

STOP!!!

You might hear yourself saying, “I can’t. I’m a busy professional. Besides not getting anything done, what will people think of me?” Have you noticed yourself getting more irritable and frustrated with each new task added to your list of to-dos? Others notice it too and you’re not as efficient in this state as you are when you’re relaxed and centered.

STOP – take a few slow, deep breaths. Slow down.

Begin by finding a word, a thought, a quote or even a piece of music that resonates for you on a deeper level.

Words like:

• Stillness
• Grace
• Love
• Beauty
• Truth
• Joy
• Peace
• Harmony
• Acceptance

Thoughts like:

• I am calm
• I am worthy
• I am grateful
• I am happy
• Everything is perfect

Quotes like:

• Be the change you wish to see in the world, Ghandi
• We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience, Teilhard de Chardin
• What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us, Emerson
• What you are is what you have been. What you’ll be is what you do now. Buddha
• Tension is who you think you should be. Relaxation is who you are. Chinese Proverb
• The tighter you squeeze, the less you have. Ma-Tsu

Find any piece of music that soothes you and just listen to it and be with it for a few minutes. When you notice your mind wandering and thinking about work, STOP. Just listen to the music.

These are ways you can slow down and begin finding your center again.

Take a few deep breaths, then ask yourself, “Who Am I?”

Be still and listen to the response.

Ask yourself, “What do I want now?“

Listen to the soft, still, truthful response and honor its request.

What could it say?

• Go for a walk.
• Take a nap.
• Take the day off.
• Celebrate.
• Be with family or friends.
• Create.
• Be Yourself.

Honor your spirit and do not make it a chore – something you HAVE TO DO – let go for a few moments and do what feels good. Enjoy it.

Then, once you’ve honored your spirit, choose the one priority on your list of to-dos that feels right to do and do it as peacefully and joyfully as you can, remembering that you purposely chose this journey and you didn’t choose it because you wanted it to be stressful and nerve-wracking. You chose it because it was the way you could become more of who you really are.

If you have found any comfort just in reading this, if it resonates with a part of you, then consider learning more about meditation as a way to help you relax, let go, find your center and recharge your spirit.

Meditation is a practice and becomes easier over time. It becomes portable and you can take it with you anywhere you go. The more you practice, the easier it will be to find calm, inner strength, resilience and peace anytime, anywhere and you will find yourself living, working and being happier and more effective at everything you do.

Next time you feel caught in the undertow or like you’re swimming upstream, stop – let go – empty your mind for a few minutes and you will find your center and your strength to continue on with renewed vigor, spirit and enthusiasm.

Getting there – that’s what it’s all about, right? Everybody’s wanting to “Get There”. We hear people talk about “There” all the time.

“I’m getting there.” “I’m almost there.” “Will I ever get there?” “I’ll never get there.” “I just want to get there already.”

What they’re talking about is a place beyond their current conditions that they feel is better than where they are right now. Sounds like they’re talking about a big goal or a dream and that would be quite fitting for a coaching article.

Goals are a major component in coaching. They evoke creative tension and stretch people to grow into, and create, the lives they really want. To a large extent, goals are a good thing. When you have an important goal to reach, whether it’s a new career, a better relationship, more confidence, more inner peace, more fulfillment, your desire for it stretches you to take actions that are outside your comfort zone and help you become more of who you want to be. I strongly believe that you can be, do or have anything you really want if you are committed and resolved to achieving it and you take the steps needed to make it happen. Anything is possible, but… you’ll never Get There. 

Huh? What’s that you say, coach? Thanks for the vote of confidence!

What if I told you that you can never get There because There doesn’t even exist?

Based on the conditions of your life right now, you may not be too happy with that notion, right? It may even irritate you off a little (or a lot). That’s good… I struck a nerve. Bare with me.

One way of thinking, a perspective held by many mindful and successful people, is that the only thing that exists is the Here and Now and that you’ll always be Here and never There.  There will always be some place outside your current reality.

If you’re always striving to get There, how and when will you ever know you’re there? After you’ve been there for a while? Right away? Near the end of being there, when you want to be some place else?

Getting There usually means we have some work to do, some steps to take, some kind of movement forward.

We are now here and we want to be there. If There was a city, all you’d have to do is look it up on a map or plug it into your GPS and you’d be given directions on how to get there. Most likely your dream or vision has no clear and precise directions on getting There. Even if it did, you most likely aren’t aware of them, otherwise you’d already be There.

Perhaps you’re asking for help from someone who’s already there or you’re considering working with a coach or mentor to help you reach that elusive destination. Maybe you started developing a plan and building your own map with a set of directions but there are certain obstacles, blind spots and dead ends along the way that prevent you from even taking one step. You want to know the whole way before you set out on your journey.

Those obstacles, blind spots and dead ends have nothing to do with the road or path itself, but to your own fears and resistance.

Let me tell you, there will never be a perfect plan or set of directions and there will always be some steps missing or a section of the map that’s blurry or even uncharted.

What’s the difference between Here and There?

It’s just the letter “T”. In this story, “T” stands for TRUST.  The thing you need most to help you get from here to there is trust in yourself; a strong conviction that you will be able to figure things out along the way. Also trusting that when you do move in the direction of your goals with passion, enthusiasm and a strong resolve that somehow, new possibilities present themselves that you never could have anticipated, seen or known about from where you were.

“Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, the providence moves too. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamt would have come his way. I learned a deep respect for one of Goethe’s couplets:

Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it.
Boldness has genius, power and magic in it!”

~ W. H. Murray in The Scottish Himalaya Expedition, 1951.

That reference to Goethe reminds me of another one of his famous quotes: “Trust yourself and you will know how to live.”

Most often a lack of self Trust or confidence is the missing component that holds people back and prevents them from taking even just one step towards their goals.

So if all of this is true, that There doesn’t even exist, that all we really have is right Here, what would it feel like to declare right now that YOU HAVE ARRIVED at your destination? You are exactly where you’re supposed to be and all you ever will have is the present moment.

If you had enough trust in yourself, enough is all you need, what would you do with this moment right Here? What step would you take?

Let’s bring it all together – time is linear for us and we keep moving forward with time. We are always Here on the timeline and can never be There. We can’t be in a past that no longer exists or in a future that is always out of reach. In each moment, we have the choice of what direction to move in – you can choose to keep taking a step back trying to hold on to the past and remain stuck, which will cause extreme frustration and angst because a deeper part of you knows you are depriving yourself of achieving and being who you want to be. Or, you can choose to take a step forward in alignment with your desires.

Know this, there is always going to be another There – once we reach a goal, there will always be another one and another one after that. That’s a good thing, it’s part of our human condition to keep wanting and to keep creating. We are creative and generative beings. Accept that.

So in the grand scheme of things, if we were to rise up and take an aerial view of the timeline of our lives, we would see billions of here and now moments. Moments that were at one point There in the future, and then became Here in the present and then again, There in the past.

If you’re not happy with the Here you’re in right now, and you’re wanting to get There, trust that if you take one step in the direction of your desires, you have made the most of this moment and here’s the part most people forget in their pursuit of getting There. They forget to appreciate and celebrate where they are, that they already got there, they neglect to acknowledge the steps they took and they aren’t grateful for the moment they’re in right now.

The bottom line is this – all you have is this moment – right here, right now and you have a choice. What are you going to do with this moment? Appreciate that you’ll never have all the directions and there will be obstacles, blind spots and dead ends on your journey – and trust that in the moment, you will make the choice that helps you be more of who you really are. With billions of moments like that, you will always be in the perfect place, at the perfect time and you will already be There.

I’m taking a chance here and I’m going to confess something… I’m a big fan of American Idol, especially this season (2011). It’s one of the only shows on TV that gives me the goosebumps and resonates with me every time I watch it. Though not gifted myself with an incredible singing voice or the courage to even dare share it with with anyone, not even my wife, I am in awe of what these young people do every week. On a personal level, and watching it from a coach’s perspective, I get to see people taking big chances, sharing straight from the heart and moving people on an emotional level. I love that!

Here’s a show where people in their teens and twenties summon up the courage to audition amongst thousands of others and demonstrate not only their talent but bare their souls and sing their hearts out, sometimes for less than a minute, and then a judgment is made if they’re moving on to the next round or not. That is pressure.

My favorite this year, by far, is a young man by the name of Casey Abrams, he’s only 19 and demonstrates more talent than many people I hear on the radio. I think he’s a genius and feel he’s got a long, fruitful road ahead of him, even if he doesn’t win this year.

Take a look at Casey’s audition, if you don’t already know him, I think you’re going to really enjoy this. As you watch the intro, take note of any thoughts you have coming up – do you think he’ll be good? What do you expect from this youngster? Then take special note of his reaction to the judges’ decision at the end:

If successful in their first audition, they move on to progressive rounds of auditions and have to sit around with hundreds of others in the same boat…even more pressure. That would be incredibly agonizing for me. They have to take every chance they’ve got and keep pushing themselves to be at their best. From thousands and thousands of people, only 24 get selected to appear on live TV – 12 women, 12 men. Then they quickly eliminate several at a time until they have the top 12 and that’s when things get very interesting.

Check out Casey’s second audtion that got him into the Top 24. Watch for the judges’ (and fellow contestants’) reactions as he performs:

He’s incredible, isn’t he? Anyway, the Top 12 live together in a home and form a cohesive group, competing with each other on the one hand but supporting each other on the other. Each week they have the opportunity to learn and absorb as much as possible from their coaches (the music producers and singing coaches they work with) and ‘bring it’ full force in a song that lasts only about a minute and a half. Some truly ‘own’ the feedback they get and demonstrate exactly what they’re capable of, some get a bit lost and confused. I can see the Action-Reflection-Learning Cycle alive and well as they increase self-awareness, experiment with new choices and deepen their level of trust in themselves.

Connection & Presence

The type of feedback I want to shine some light on here is what I, perhaps selectively, hear very often – it’s about connection and presence. It’s about being authentic – being real - baring your soul and sharing it completely without holding back.  The judges and coaches are telling them they may have a great voice but they’re not feeling the music or the words, they seem to be stuck in their heads and not connecting with the audience or the camera. I can’t even imagine how hard it would be to sing live in front of an audience let alone connect on an emotional level, ‘sans inner-critic’, with a camera that I know is broadcasting me to millions of viewers. I used to have trouble giving a presentation and being present and authentic – what about you? Can you relate to this in any way in your life?

What keeps them not only moving forward but shining more and more each week? It’s not about dreams of money and fame. It’s about having a gift and a passion for touching people’s hearts. It’s not about the motions of dancing around on stage, it’s about e-motion, feeling the emotions the song stirs in their own hearts and sharing it without any interference. When a singer really feels the music and shares it freely, even if I don’t like the song or their voice that much, I can feel it.

Bringing it back to our lives, most of us aren’t going to be singing on TV any day soon, but we all have just as much reason to share from the heart. The only way we can do that is if we get out of our heads, where we tend to get stuck most of the time, feel it and share it. That’s what I call presence – being connected to your heart, your soul and communicating with others from that place every chance we get. Whether it’s with a family member or friend, a client or a boss, a stranger on the street – we all will get so much more out of life if we were present.

When we’re present & connected, we feel everything on a deeper level, life is richer and more meaningful to us and those we share it with. Don’t the people we come in contact with deserve the gift of our presence? And when you give someone the gift of presence – of being real and authentic - people can feel it and tend to appreciate it on a very deep level.

How would your world change if you were present more often?

Please share freely in the comment box below

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I’d like to introduce the topic of happiness to the blog and just float out that question and look at it for a while. Though it’s one of the first things mentioned on this site and one of the main goals of coaching, to “discover your authentic self and learn to lead your life in ways that bring you the most happiness and fulfillment”, what does happiness really mean?

I’ll tell you upfront that I don’t offer a definitive answer to this ageless question but only different views and opinions on happiness. The main message being, look within for your own answers. Future articles will explore the topic more closely and help you find ways to create more happiness (whatever it means to you) in your life.

I believe that happiness, or at least feeling good, is the underlying goal of every other goal or achievement we desire. When people say they want something (e.g. I want a new car, I want to go on vacation, I want a relationship, I want more money) or want to accomplish something (I want to get my degree, I want a better job, I want to lose weight) I ask them what that will give them. What’s important about having that or achieving that? The deeper answer is often that they believe it will make them happy.

Then I take it a step further and ask, so, when you have it or achieve it, how will you know you’re happy? What does ‘happy’ mean to you? And, what’s important about happiness?

These seem like silly questions don’t they? Childish and simple, but they give people something to reflect on, and the answers aren’t as simple to articulate.

As a coach, I get the opportunity to let go of the need to have all the answers (a far stretch from my life as a consultant where I am depended on for answers). As a coach, it’s better to have a lot of simple but powerful questions and the intuitive guidance to know what to ask and when. It puts the responsibility on the client to do their own work and generate their own responses and ultimately their own self-generated and personally meaningful solutions.

One of the prime reasons why I ask people those simple questions about happiness (how will they know they’re happy – what it means to them and what’s important about happiness) is because of this: if you know what you’re looking for or better yet why, you’re much more likely to find it. And, if you know what you really want, you may be able to find it in other ways, expanding the realm of possibilities and approaches that can lead you to your ultimate goal, happiness.

A lot of people are on the pursuit of possessions, goals and achievements, thinking ‘something’ will make them happy but they’re not quite sure what that experience is really like. And, when things don’t make them happy, or at least not for very long, they keep trying to get or do more things. So defining happiness, or at least knowing how to recognize it and appreciate it when you have it, is important.

Down the Rabbit Hole

I was on a roll writing two to three articles every month until I decided I wanted to write about happiness. I thought it would be easy because I know how important it is for me to have happiness in my life personally (for many reasons). But as a coach, I wanted to dig deeper into the subject and learn what it really is so I could help more people, and down the rabbit hole I went.

From dictionary definitions to philosophy to ancient texts to brain science and positive psychology I went. I discovered some similarities here and there but also some interesting differences and even some hot debates between different fields of psychology.

Some of the theories on happiness discussed the positive emotions and the pleasures and the avoidance or absence of pain (hedonics). Others believed there was more to happiness than just the sum of all pleasurable moments minus the painful ones. Take Aristotle for instance, who believed it was more than just a matter of momentary pleasures strung together. That happiness was in the doing of things over the long term that gave a person’s life meaning, being virtuous (eudaimonic theory).

Buddhism indicates that ultimate happiness comes from overcoming all forms of craving but also encourages people to show loving kindness and compassion, which meshes well with Aristotle’s views. So it would seem that happiness is in the doing of things that give one’s life meaning, virtuous activities, making a difference to others, and in the process, making a difference in our own lives.

When talking about happiness with a variety of people, at first they tended to talk about the things, events, situations or even other people that make them happy. On the surface they believe happiness is a positive emotion one experiences when ‘something makes them happy’. They’re indicating that happiness is a momentary feeling that’s contingent on something else happening. As if happiness were an involuntary reaction to an event – simply a response to a stimulus and they really had no choice or control in the matter:

• Happiness is Friday at 5pm
• Happiness is a puppy licking your face
• Happiness is hearing the sound of children laughing
• Happiness is a warm sunny day
• Happiness is finding the pair of shoes you wanted on sale
• Happiness = sex or better yet, chocolate

Quotes on Happiness

On this month long journey I read books, articles, journals and hundreds of quotes, some of famous thinkers, writers and philosophers expressing their opinions of happiness. I’d like to share some of these with you but not because I think they’re right or wrong – only to demonstrate the breadth and variety of opinions on happiness. Perhaps some will resonate with you. Take note of which ones spark a note of truth within you.

“Happiness makes up in height for what it lacks in length.” ~ Robert Frost

“To be happy, we must not be too concerned with others.” ~ Albert Camus

“Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word happy would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. It is far better to take things as they come along with patience and equanimity.” ~ Carl Jung

“Man is fond of counting his troubles, but he does not count his joys.  If he counted them up as he ought to, he would see that every lot has enough happiness provided for it.” ~ Fyodor Dostoevsky

“One is happy as a result of one’s own efforts once one knows the necessary ingredients of happiness: simple tastes, a certain degree of courage, self denial to a point, love of work, and above all, a clear conscience.” ~ George Sand

“Happiness is the interval between periods of unhappiness.” ~ Don Marquis

“The greatest degree of inner tranquility comes from the development of love and compassion. The more we care for the happiness of others, the greater is our own sense of well-being.” and;

“I believe compassion to be one of the few things we can practice that will bring immediate and long-term happiness to our lives. I’m not talking about the short-term gratification of pleasures like sex, drugs or gambling (though I’m not knocking them), but something that will bring true and lasting happiness. The kind that sticks.”  ~ The 14^th Dalai Lama

“Happiness is the settling of the soul into its most appropriate spot.” ~ Aristotle

“The pursuit of happiness is a most ridiculous phrase:  if you pursue happiness you’ll never find it.” ~ C.P. Snow

 “Often people attempt to live their lives backwards; they try to have more things, or more money, in order to do more of what they want, so they will be happier.  The way it actually works is the reverse.  You must first be who you really are, then do what you need to do, in order to have what you want.”  ~ Margaret Young

“When a man has lost all happiness, he’s not alive.  Call him a breathing corpse.” ~ Sophocles

 “If you want to be happy, set a goal that commands your thoughts, liberates your energy, and inspires your hopes.” ~ Andrew Carnegie

“The sense of unhappiness is so much easier to convey than that of happiness. In misery we seem aware of our own existence, even though it may be in the form of a monstrous egotism: this pain of mine is individual, this nerve that winces belongs to me and to no other. But happiness annihilates us: we lose our identity.” ~ Graham Greene

 “Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.” ~ Abraham Lincoln

“Happiness consists in frequent repetition of pleasure.” ~ Arthur Schopenhauer

 “We tend to forget that happiness doesn’t come as a result of getting something we don’t have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have.”  ~ Frederick Keonig

“Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared.” ~ Buddha

“Happiness is not a goal; it is a by-product.”  ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

“The amount of happiness that you have depends on the amount of freedom you have in your heart.” ~ Thich Nhat Hanh

“A man’s as miserable as he thinks he is.”  ~ Seneca

“Happiness is not a state to arrive at, but a manner of traveling.”  ~ Margaret Lee Runbeck

“Rules for Happiness:  something to do, someone to love, something to hope for.” ~ Immanuel Kant

“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.” ~ Mahatma Gandhi

“If you deliberately set out to be less than you are capable, you’ll be unhappy for the rest of your life.” ~ Abraham H. Maslow

“The happiness of your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts.” ~ Marcus Aurelius

“The essence of philosophy is that a man should so live that his happiness shall depend as little as possible on external things.” ~ Epictetus

“Plenty of people miss their share of happiness, not because they never found it, but because they didn’t stop to enjoy it.” ~ William Feather

“Happiness is a conscious choice, not an automatic response.” ~ Mildred Barthel

So we can see that although happiness means different things to different people, most of us want more of it in our lives, whatever it is. If we look closely enough we can see some important themes stand out. I’ll leave it up to you to find the themes that mean the most to you. Perhaps you will open your mind to new ways of thinking of happiness that make it easier for you to be happy right now.

 So for now, just think about happiness – your own personal happiness – and if you wish, reflect on these questions. The next few articles will look more closely into happiness from a positive psychology and coaching perspective and what you can do to enjoy more happiness in your life.

Reflection Questions

• What does happiness mean to you?
• Are you generally a happy person? Do you wake up happy?
• Is happiness a fleeting emotion? A long term state? A goal? A journey?
• Is your happiness contingent or dependant on other things? If so, how?
• What stops you from being happy?
• Do you stop yourself from being happy? If so, how?
• Could you be doing more to be happy? Could you be doing less to be happy?

And I will leave it at that for now. Remember, we’re just looking at the question of happiness. If happiness is important to you, then spending some time reflecting on it and understanding what it really means is an important first step in achieving, maintaining, or even increasing it.

There is a lot of talk these days about finding balance in life, especially work-life balance. What do people really mean by balance? What is it they’re actually striving for and is it even possible to achieve? Let’s explore and come to a better understand of what balance really means.

Work-life balance is a very popular topic and has almost become a cliche that’s lost its meaning, so let’s start there. When people talk about work-life balance, they’re comparing the amount of time they spend on work and the remaining time they have to live their lives. Most people feel that the distribution is definitely out of balance.

Take a look at the model below showing the average time split between work and life. There’s the big pie on the left, split into two, showing Work as a majority shareholder. Life, the smaller piece of pie, is also shown as its own pie on the right, which is split into a variety of areas of life, each vying for a person’s time.

It almost doesn’t seem fair. The problem most people have with this arrangement is that they feel overwhelmed, stressed, unfulfilled and also like they’ve lost themselvesand have become a slave to work or to life in general.

Is Balance Possible?

Can one ever achieve balance if they only consider it in terms of the distributing their time equally across all the areas of life that are important to them? Unfortunately, that isn’t possible for most people. Not unless they’re prepared to cut their work hours and take a serious pay cut.

It’s time to go back to the defining balance to figure out what people are really wanting. Balance can also be used to describe a feeling of stability and steadiness – a sense of feeling centered and grounded. Now we’re getting closer.

When people say they want more balance in their lives, they are referring to more than just an equal split of time across all the things they want to do in their lives. They’re looking to feel more in control and at peace with their lives. They want more enjoyment, more fulfillment and they want to feel more like a whole person again. They don’t want to be a slave to work or even to any one primary area of their life.

To find enjoyment, fulfillment and wholeness in your life, you have to know a few things about yourself first. You have to get very clear and be completely honest about your personal values, what brings you the most fulfillment, and what choices you have to make so you can start feeling more balance.

Life Balance Self Coaching Exercise

To help you gain more clarity and see the big picture, let’s do an exercise I do with my coaching clients. It’s called the Wheel of Life Exercise. It helps people get a bird’s eye view of their lives as a whole, and then work towards creating more balance in their lives.

Below is the wheel of life, which is a snapshot of your level of satisfaction in life as you see it and feel it right now, in this moment. It’s not about looking back into your past or looking forward to what you want to see in the future. You base it on how you are feeling right now.

The typical exercise (as I learned it in “Co-Active Coaching” by Laura Whitworth et al) split the wheel of life into 8 separate sections and labeled each section as follows:

• Career
• Money
• Health
• Friends & Family
• Significant Other/Romance
• Personal Growth
• Fun & Recreation
• Physical Environment (home/space)

I find that if you create labels for the areas of life that truly mean the most to you, the exercise will have a lot more impact. No two people are alike and everyone has different values and priorities and also each person gets enjoyment and fulfillment out of different things.

Personal Values & Priorities

Get clear on your values, not society’s moral or ethical standards, but the things in life you cherish most. As I mentioned in another article called, The Value of Personal Values,  “Values are the personal, intimate, gauges, signposts or internal barometers of what’s really important to a person… Clarifying our values and beginning to live life in alignment with them brings an abundance of benefits.” When creating your labels, consider what’s truly important to you and step out of the frame of mind of your current obligations.

Examples:

• Life Purpose / Career
• Family & Home Life
• Friends & Relationships
• Fun  & Self Expression
• Health & Fitness
• Emotional & Spiritual
• Love & Romance
• Money & Finances

You could also use values & priorities such as the following:

• Being financially secure
• Having emotional & mental stability
• Having love, intimacy & connection
• Being a great parent
• Having a meaningful career
• Growing personally & spiritually
• Serving a unique purpose
• Expressing oneself creatively

These are just some possible values you can use to label the sections on your own wheel of life.

Directions:

• Label the sections according to your values & priorities in life.
• Rate your satisfaction of each section on a scale of 0-10 (0 is the absolute centre of the wheel and 10 is the outer edge) by drawing on the numbered line from edge to edge. Then fill in the space (use different colors if you wish).
  • Satisfaction here is purely subjective – it’s how you’re feeling in the moment, right now. How fulfilled do you feel in this area? How much are you enjoying this area?
  • If you’re yearning for something and feeling unfulfilled, put a 1 or 2 or even a 0. If you’re feeling ‘so-so’, put a 5.
• Do this for each area that you feel is important in your life, and then take a look at the wheel.
• Are the edges smooth (a perfect circle) or bumpy? If you put 4 of these on your car to replace your tires, what would the ride be like? (When I first did this, my wheel remind me of the Flintstones stone tires when they used to break down).

Now going back to the essence of what balance really means – enjoyment, fulfillment and wholeness, what does your wheel tell you about your life? Any surprises?

Prioritizing & Goal Setting for Balance

1. It’s time to rank your priorities. Put a number beside each of the labels from 1-8, 1 being the top priority and 8 being the lowest (even though all of these are important to you, it’s time to choose what you “absolutely must have in your life” vs. “it’s important and would be really nice if I had it…but I can live without it most of the time”.
2. For each of the sections, describe what complete satisfaction looks like or feels like to you.
3. What section that is of high value (a rank of 1 or 2) has a high satisfaction rating (an 7-10)? How does that make you feel?
4. What section that is of high value (rank of 1 or 2) got a low satisfaction rating (0-5)? How does that make you feel?
5. Having spent some time with this for a while, what do you feel needs to happen now?
6. Pick one section of the wheel that you’re not satisfied with and get clear on at least 1 thing you can do right now to feel more satisfaction in this area.

Back to the Time Dilemma

Now, if you’re in a cynical state of mind, you’re possibly saying “I knew that all along, I JUST DON’T HAVE THE TIME FOR ANYTHING ELSE!!!” Here’s the thing about fulfillment and enjoyment, it’s not only about the amount of time you give to something, it’s about the quality of time and what you give of yourself while you’re doing anything.

In regards to enjoyment, it’s not just about taking time out of your demanding schedule to have some fun (though you may choose to do that anyway). It’s more about the way you do things and how you express your uniqueness, than what you actually do. If one uses their unique strengths and adds a personal signature more often in the activities they do, they enjoy themselves more, time flies, and they feel more gratified.

What strengths and personal signature can you add to the way you do things to get more enjoyment out of everything that you do?

In regards to fulfillment, here you can consider things that give you the feeling of achievement, accomplishment and having served your purpose. For instance, someone can spend time with their children but not really be present. They’re in close proximity to their kids but not really ‘with their kids’. Or they can spend 15 quality minutes where they are really connected and feeling like they honored their value of ‘being a great parent’.

In regards to wholeness, take a look at the areas of your life that you deeply care about but feel least satisfied and make a commitment to find a way to improve how you feel about it. It’s true, you might need to make some sacrifices but what’s really important here is realizing that you have the choice.

Being At Choice

Instead of letting life pass you by where you feel like you’re a slave to life, you have the freedom and the responsibility to mindfully choose how you spend your time, and who you are being in the moment, one way or the other.

Choice – “Either I give myself 30 minutes on the way home from work today just to be alone, have a coffee and read a book, because that time fills me up and then I can go home and really be present for my family. Or I can go straight home feeling tired and lost and upset that I’m not being my best self and the best parent I can be.”

Choice - “Though I’ve been working really hard lately and putting in long hours, I’d like to go out with the guys tonight. So, I’m going to go home first and put my kids to bed because family is really my top priority, and then go out for a couple of hours because I value my friendships and having some adult, man time.”  

It’s always a choice and it doesn’t have to be all or nothing.

The most important thing here in achieving balance is being intentional and mindful about actually being present in your life. That is, being centered, grounded and aware of your deeper self as much as possible. Notice how you’re feeling in the moment and choose how you’re going to honor your values and yourself, if you’re not feeling like you’re at your best.

You can always choose to change your frame of mind and remember what’s important to you.Just ask yourself, what can I do right now to honor my values or add more ‘me’ into this day so I can feel more alive?

As each day passes and you are more conscious and intentional about how you show up in life, you have freed yourself from being a slave to life. You may not be able to control all of the circumstances in your life but more important than that, you will feel like you are in control of you – your focus, your values, your priorities. As more time passes this way, you will feel more whole and more balanced.

Monthly Review

Commit to doing this exercise once a month for the next three months (or more). Some people keep their wheel or a list of their values handy to help them stay conscious of their highest values, what they’re choosing, and how they’re going to honor them each day.

In a month’s time do the wheel exercise again and answer these questions:

• What’s different? What’s changed?
• Has something that was high gone down and something low gone up?
• How did I honor my values this month?
• Is the wheel a bit smoother than last time or more bumpy? How would my ride be in a car if these were my wheels?
• Do I feel more whole and more balanced?
• What am I going to choose to do more of this month? What am I willing to do less of so I have more time on the things I really value?

Wishing you balance, enjoyment, fulfillment and wholeness in your life.

Here is a clean pdf copy of the Wheel of Life you can print out and use. Just right click on the image and save it to your computer, then open it and print it whenever you wish to do the exercise.

We’ve all had dreams in our life – some big, some little – the things that we wanted to become or do with our lives that never came to be. On a smaller scale than dreams and aspirations, there are the little things in daily life that we want to do or say but don’t because something is holding us back.

It’s not the circumstances, the timing or the cost of what we want to do. It’s something else that is more powerful than any external condition or force. It’s something so prevalent and pervasive but ever so subtle.

[FYI, this article is an extension of an article about overcoming self doubt and is an introduction into learning how to manage your inner critic.]

It’s the Inner Critic, and the majority of people in the world experience it on a regular basis and the scary thing is they’re barely aware of it. True, there are some people who are literally paralyzed by fear, self doubt and self criticism but the difference is those people know it and you know it as soon as you spend any length of time with them. Their struggle is so extreme that it’s impossible not to be aware of it.  However, these people are a relative minority and my heart goes out to them.

The Inner Critic, common to many, is a messenger of negative, self-critical thoughts that runs in the background of your mind. Most of the time it’s deceptively quiet and you can hardly notice it’s there. It’s like an itchy wool sweater you put on in the morning and only feel for a few minutes until you get used to it and forget you have it on. That is, until you take it off and feel the relief.

The Inner Critic is so insideous it can control your every move and your every word.  

If you take some time to really think about something you desire,

 on a big scale:

• the job you wish to quit,
• the business or career you want to start,
• the relationship you want to have (or get out of),
• the change you want to make in your life so you can finally feel alive,
• the big trip you want to take,
• the book you want to write,
• the dream that you never fulfilled,

and on the smaller scale;

• the presentation or speech you want to give,
• the person you wish to approach and talk to,
• the compliment you want to give,
• the good deed you wish to do,
• the conflict you want to address,
• the truth you wish to admit about what you really think or feel,
• the desire to just be yourself,

…. you will start to notice there is a voice – a voice within your own mind that sounds reasonable and logical enough, but it is nothing of the sort.

It might tell you, “That’s too risky, don’t even go there!” or “Don’t even consider doing that, you’ll get embarrassed!” Most of the time, just a couple of ‘messages’ from this voice is enough to stop you from thinking about what you want to do or say. Then it’s back to ‘reality’.

Playing it Safe

By the time most people reach their mid twenties or early thirties, they’ve become quite successful at pushing their life dreams aside and finding a more ‘realistic’, practical and safe approach to life. A common scenario is that people start their adult life with one job and move up the ranks year after year, or change companies for a better job. Then they become entrenched in what seems like something that all ‘realists’ value, which is security, and what they like to avoid is ‘risk’. However, when you start to feel like you really want something outside your comfort zone and you entertain the idea some more, the voice gets louder and more critical.

It might sound something like this:

• “You can’t do that, you’re not good enough”;
•  “No one will hire you, you have no experience”;
•  “They don’t care what you really think or feel”;
• “Most businesses fail in a couple of years then you’ll have lost everything”;
• “They’ll just tell you you’re too sensitive or you’re being silly”;
• “They’ll think you’ve completely lost your mind”;
• “It’s too late, you’re too old”.

It’s not all about the big changes and challenges, it’s about the seemingly little things too, where people tend to play it safe or small. I’m not even going to describe the scenarios behind these messages but see if any resonate with you:

• “Don’t say that, you’ll sound like an idiot.”
• “You aren’t wearing any makeup, pretend you don’t see them, just avoid them.”
• “You’re too shy to go to that party, make up some excuse.”
• “They’ll think you’re poor if you don’t buy that.”
• “You can’t wear that, you look fat.”
• “Tell them you only watch the Discovery Channel and the News.”
• “Never admit you made a mistake.”
• “Call in sick today, you embarrassed yourself yesterday.”
• “Don’t eat too much, they’ll think you’re a pig!”

And on and on it goes. Do you think that’s really you coming up with those messages?

Meet Your Inner Critic

The Inner Critic, aka ‘Voice of Judgment’, aka ‘The Gremlin’, aka ‘The Saboteur’, aka ‘Egoic Mind’ is the biggest threat to your self-esteem and confidence and is the source of all irrational self criticism and judgment.

It takes the form of negative and chastising chatter that questions your abilities, intentions and desires. It is more severe than self doubt because the inner critic also punishes you for every little mistake you think you made and downplays every accomplishment you’ve ever achieved.

I’ve coached several people who were very conscious of their inner critic before they met me. Quite self-aware in general, as they had already done a lot of personal development work over the years.  They noticed that the inner critic was holding them back from creating the changes they wanted in their lives. I’ve worked with others who had no idea there was such a thing and looked at me a little cockeyed when I brought it up.

One of my clients told me when we started working together that he had no problems on that front. That was until he started realizing what he really wanted to do with his life and that he had to make some choices. Choices that involved risk and pushing himself up against his comfort zone – risks that could challenge the security of his self-confessed, unfulfilling life. That is when he started to become more aware of his inner critic. The client later admitted,  “I guess I hadn’t noticed it before because I wasn’t pushing myself enough – I wasn’t even thinking about what I really wanted”.

Meet My Inner Critic

I have done a lot of work in this area for almost 10 years and am still aware of that doubtful, self critical voice from time to time. In fact, there are a variety of different voices and styles of ‘judgment’, each for a different situation. Wouldn’t you know, I’m doubting myself right now, and a particular someone wants to be heard.

Hello Shmidlick (that’s the name I gave to this voice of judgment – and he doesn’t like it when I don’t address him as Dr. Shmidlick) – I know you’re here – I know you don’t want me to finish this article and you definitely don’t want me to press the Publish button to make it available for everyone to read, especially since I just admitted those doubts and self critical, judgmental thoughts I have. But you know what? I’m going to anyway. You know why? Because deep down I know it’s going to help someone – even if it helps just one person, I’m going to do it. They have to know they’re not alone. I have a reason why and it’s bigger than you, it’s bigger than me and it’s pure of heart and intention. So back off for a while Shmidlick and let me finish, we can spend some time together later.

Why did I just do that?

Why did I just make myself ‘vulnerable’? Why didn’t I edit that list or leave out the self talk part? Because the fact that you’re reading this right now shows you that people can overcome their self doubts and learn to manage their inner critic. Also, if I eased up by editing or censoring my thoughts and didn’t share my truth with you, then I’d be giving my inner critic a lot more power than it deserves. You deserve more than that and you deserve to become what you’re capable of becoming by learning to manage your inner critic and believe in yourself.

Managing Your Inner Critic
- Dissolving Self Criticism

I must be honest with you, the inner critic never really goes away completely. As long as you’re pushing the limits of your comfort zone and you’re growing, it’s most likely going to come along for the ride, just to keep you on your toes. The inner critic is a part of the egoic mind, it wants to protect you from being hurt or embarrassed but there are ways to manage and silence it quite effectively.

Get to Know It

The first step in learning to manage your inner critic is to become aware of it and to get to know it well. Learn to become aware of its different voices and messages. When you  notice your inner critic, the saboteur, the gremlin, your own Shmidlick, and turn your attention to it, you decrease its power and hold on you.

It’s not a once-and-for-all battle and you’re not going to go to war with it – that would increase the power of its grip. You’re not going to try to ignore it either, which would just increase the intensity, frequency and severity of its judgments and criticisms. You’re just going to notice it’s there. That’s the first step.

Take some time to answer these questions in a journal:

• What are its typical criticisms?
• What voice does it use? What tone? What volume?
• In what situations do you hear it the most?
• What does it have to say to shut you down completely?
• What are the 5 things it could say that have the most power over you? Which one of those hurts the most?

Knowing your inner critic intimately gives you incredible power to manage it. When you learn to notice it – and acknowledge that it is not really you – you are now at choice. You can choose to listen to it and heed its judgments or you can boldly step in the direction of your dreams, goals and desires.

Dissolving the Inner Critic’s Power

Your inner critic is as unique as you are and there isn’t a single approach that works for everybody. Once you learn to notice its voice/s & typical criticisms, it’s time to experiment with a variety of approaches to learn how to dissolve its power. Try one or all of these to see what works for you.

Humor

• Give it a name – a funny name – a name that describes him/her or the persona he/she wants you to keep alive
• Give it a picture/face or faces – draw it out – when it’s big and when it’s small and deceptively quiet.
• Give it a funny accent or voice.
• Come up with funny retorts you can say back to its common messages.

Logical Reassurance

• Reassure it with logic and reason, calling on all your experience you need; that you know what you’re doing; that it is possible; and that you can do it.
• If you need help here, read these articles: Harnessing Your Unique Strengths and
  The Value of Personal Values.

Loving Reassurance

Reassure it with love. I know it may sound corny to some, the L-word isn’t one that I’ve used much on this site (could it be Shmidlick, my inner critic, holding me back?). Love – it’s the most powerful force in the universe. It’s the most basic human need and the desire we are all longing for – to love and feel loved. Reassure your inner critic by giving yourself love and letting it know that you will not lose anyone’s love by taking risks but gain greater self-love, and more than likely, the love of others.

Powerful Commitments – Your Reason Why

• Think about what it is you want to do and ask yourself, ”What is my big reason why?”
• What will it bring you?
• How will you, and the inner critic, benefit in the long run?
• How will others benefit when you stop playing small and play it big in the game of life?
• What powerful commitment can you make, to something bigger than you, that will reassure it?

“He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.”
~ Friedrich Nietzsche

Remember that all you have to do is notice its presence, acknowledge that it’s not really you but a pattern in your mind trying to keep you safe. Remember your unique strengths and you’re reason why. Then take that step you’ve been wanting to take. After you’ve done it, have a little chat with your inner critic and tell him or her, “that wasn’t so bad now was it?”

If you want to diminish the power of your inner critic right now – share your biggest fears, doubts or the  messages of your inner critic below (feel free to use a fake name or the name of your inner critic, your email will not be posted). Or – share with us some strategies or tactics you use to silence your inner critic and break through self-critical thoughts: